Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
