my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
