Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
