Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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