you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
