why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
