:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
