Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize