He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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