I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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