I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
