We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
