Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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