i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize