Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
