I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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