just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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