I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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