it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
