Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize