he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
