i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have already put on my inside pants.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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