My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
