Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
