Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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