I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
