Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
