I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
