I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
