Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
