is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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