I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
