That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
