If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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