I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
