watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
