Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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