i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
