so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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