now i know why i became what i already was.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
