who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
