the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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