My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I want a musical about memes.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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