Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
