Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
