I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
