I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
