I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize