if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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