this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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