my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
