No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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