I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
