True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
